Harry Potter and The Power of the Income Taxes
by Glass.Paradox
Summary: Harry discovers the-Power-the-Dark-Lord-Knows-Not - The Internal Revenue Service. Death may not be inevitable for the Overlord of All Evil, but Federal Income Taxes certainly aren't. One-Shot. R


Disclaimer: The Harry Potter franchise and its charachters do not belong to me, I just wish they did. Credits to JKR, even if I _am_ parodying her books.

* * *

"Are you certain?" Dumbledore's normally twinkling eyes looked doubtful. "Ms. Granger is a brilliant young witch, of course. But this particular idea seems… a bit dodgy, if I may say so."

Harry shook his head. "Trust me. This'll work. It's foolproof." He handed Snape a stack of forms. "Really – foolproof."

* * *

"Income Taxes?" Lord Voldemort sounded bewildered.

Severus Snape nodded knowingly. "Well, I can understand why you've never done them before. You were a minor, and then you were out of the country... And what with being a disembodied spirit for all those years. Anyway, they're due April 15th. Just fill these out and drop them off at a post office. Start with Form 1040."

The Dark Lord nodded, signaling to the Death Eater that he was dismissed. "April 15th? Damn, that's tomorrow," he muttered to himself. Then again, how hard could it be? He sighed. Well, he supposed he'd better get started – any law-abiding, dutiful evil overlord would. Conjuring a sharpened quill and a pocket calculator, he thumbed through the files. Form 1040… Form 1040… there it was.

"Name."

Huh. This might not be as easy as he thought. _Do I put Tom Riddle or Lord Voldemort? Maybe just Voldemort? Or You-Know-Who? Maybe I should have hired an accountant._

The liege of all that is dark and evil decided to skip that and come back to it. Adress, Malfoy Manor. Social Security number…

"Wormtail! What's my social security number?"

His servant tripped into the room. "Err… social security number, my Lord?"

"Yes," Voldemort answered impatiently. "Social security number. Go find it." He turned back to the forms as Wormtail skittered out of his office. About that… was Wormtail a dependent? See forms 1032 b, c, and d… Dammit, where's that?"

Voldemort was self-employed, of course. But did he count as an independent contractor? He liked to think he performed a public service. "See Forms 8832, 4672, and 3204." Dear Merlin.

Swearing under his breath, he moved to gross income reports. The year had been rather profitable – all that investment in extortion, racketeering, and Apple Inc. stock was really paying off. Now, where was the line where you wrote your annual income… Taxable interest of qualified dividends. Refer to form 2395c if box 14d is checked but not 12a. If more than $1,000 is owed on previous year's tax return OR taxpayer has not had withholding deducted from their paycheck, see from 9120.

The words began to swim on the page before him.

If a taxpayer qualifies for an EOS and is required to file an OIC, the taxpayer must refer to the FICA, but only if box 19f is not checked in File1849… Any debt acquired by a sole proprietor should be recorded as a 1040 liability and under the taxpayer's SSN to be found on their Individual Master's File. If applicable, see forms 6729 and 1942 b, c, and d.

Voldemort was choking.

(AMT)(CIS)…

* * *

"Voldemort Surrenders!" Children were crying it up and down Diagon Alley as copies of the Prophet flew of newsstands.

Harry stood amongst the crowd, watching the revelry. Colin Creevy came running up to him, breathlessly asking "Did you do it Harry? Did you beat him?"

The Boy Who Lived shook his head, smiling. "It was all Hermione's idea, you should go congratulate her."

Colin beamed at his hero's seeming modesty. "Well, maybe it was her plan, but _you_ were the one who went and fought him, right?"

In answer, Harry held up a copy of the paper, pointing to the headline:

"Lord Voldemort surrenders to the IRS."

* * *

A/N:

This took a lot longer than it should have, but I had fun doing it, so it's chill. Kibou'll probably poke me for writing this instead of Blackbird, but I was in the mood for parodying something.

Reviews give me warm fuzzies, so please do.

Echo


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